Sunday, January 3, 2010

Rumor of Her Humor

Written by Loraine Alkire

Light bulbs! I've been forgetting to buy light bulbs for two months now. Good thing or bad? Well, it would be nice to have that light bulb over the kitchen table but there's enough light there anyway. I have two lights left in the kitchen, after all. The main one is a three light directional that also needs a light bulb. This is a minor nuisance since the one facing the kitchen counter is the culprit. It's a special light bulb and I'd have to get up on a ladder, look at the bulb and either take it with me to the store, or write the model down on a piece of paper. (The piece of paper might get lost and the bulb might break before I actually get to the store for the next step).

All this requires effort, timing, good coordination, and seems extremely boring. Of course then once I buy the light bulb, I'll have to screw it in. How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know because I'm usually not around when it happens.

I'll probably buy two of the same light bulb because let's face it, they never sell just one light bulb; they come in packs like wolves ready to over run your junk drawer. Also, I'd probably buy two because the first might fall and break before I get the thing screwed in. Why might it break? Because I probably won't get down off the ladder to go get my glasses, once I'm up there and realize I don't have them on. I might as well buy two anyway because the first one might be a dud. All of this will discourage me and tick me off and that's even before I cut my foot while cleaning up the mess. I'm probably not going to be wearing shoes at the time- something I rarely do in my house. Sigh, this reminds me that being single can sometimes be lonely, hard, and well- just plain work.

The way I envision this whole thing taking place is a bit of a fairy tale. But it's more likely to happen than the aforementioned. I meet a wonderfully handsome man with a terrific ass (note to anyone under 15; he brought a donkey with him, okay? Terrific little guy, you would have loved him) (note to editor: this gives me a chance to use the photo that was ditched on a past article) and he'll come into my home and say," Oh my you have some bulbs burned out, let me just fix that for you. I'll just run to the store and pick up some light bulbs and some fresh cut flowers for you and get things back in order."

He leaves and- here's the kicker ; (he actually comes back- it wasn't a ruse after all, like running out for a pack of cigarettes after playing twenty questions with me) and THEN... I stand there helpless, looking at him as he climbs the ladder. No- no wait; he doesn't have to climb the ladder because he's very tall- as well as handsome as I mentioned earlier. (My fantasy after all) He reaches up with his elaborately strong muscles and unscrews the bulb. He tells me- "Don't put it in the recycle bin because it's not recyclable- sweetie. " I think- Oh my how thoughtful, how smart!

I look up at him with deer brown eyes, amazed at his prowess and abilities to unscrew the bulb and (here's my part) I hand him the new bulb. That's it. That's all I do. He screws in the new bulb and looks down at me," Sweetie, can you turn on the light to see if it works?" Oh yes, yes, yes- anything- I'll do anything- I'm thinking as I pass by the beautiful vase of flowers that somehow portrays a perfect reflection of his 'terrific ass' in the crystal clear vase,

" Why certainly" is what I actually say," Thank you so much for helping me. What can I ever do to repay you?" (Is it getting hot in here or is it my laptop?)
So I turn on the light, yep it, works. And since this is my imagination- I turn off the light. I'm suddenly in stilettos and a stunning garter combo with a cute little apron on. The room lights up with fairy dust and (censored- note to adults- the donkey that I mentioned to the under 15 crowd did not in anyway take part in this fantasy), the next day- I awaken alone- yes alone.
I like being single- it's a choice- I'd just like someone to change my light bulb and light my fire while he's at it and THEN GO HOME!
And she lived happily ever after.


  1. Lord please forgive me! I have to bad every once in awhile..

  2. I appreciate you problem. I hired a full time female handy person once, it took me twenty years to get her to leave.


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